Wednesday, February 20, 2008

a surfeit of emotions

I have too many emotions. It's not that I think I have more than other people, or that mine are stronger, although in a lot of cases this is true. Truth be told, I really don't know what anyone else feels, nor do I particularly care if the emotional bouillabaisse I routinely find myself in is commonplace. I only know that I dislike it. It wearies me, and more and more I find myself wishing that I could turn a switch and stop the incessant flow of emotions that churn within, so that i may pass through life as indifferent and dispassionate as so many others.

Ordinarily I would find a statement such as this alarming. After all, a hallmark of sociopaths is that they are devoid of emotion. But the vast and relentless current of feelings I am subjected to day in and day out is slowly eroding me, and it hurts. It isn't that I wish to stop feeling altogether, but to be able to stop some would be heavenly. I feel as if there are tiny fissures all about me, leeching emotional ooze at every turn like radioactive waste, polluting everything. I simply cannot contain them all, and there seems to be nothing that I can do to stop it. I want so much to not care, to blithely ignore, to forget, to sail through life unruffled and undisturbed by the human condition. Placid. Serene. Not bouncing back and forth between vexed, bored, lonely, irate, sad, chagrined, and concerned, all within the same hour. (And that is just one example).

How glorious it would be to just not care-about a job well done (which produces stress, vexation, resentment, although occasionally it does produce satisfaction), the past (which produces regret, sorrow, longing and a dash of shame), the future (worry, worry and more worry), in short, any myriad number of things and people. How delightful it would be to never again experience the hand-clenching, gut wrenching, blood pounding jealousy that lurks like a tightly coiled viper deep within the recesses of my heart that strikes unexpectedly and as viciously as it ever did. I should not care, I hate that I care, when clearly so many people don't. It is an exercise in futility. But that seems to be my lot in life, to care about people and things disproportionately to their significance and/or worth.

And it would be nice, if just once, I could cry prettily, instead of with great heaving sobs that comically cause my dog to raise his head in alarm, and which leave me looking like a trainee clown who has failed her final in make-up application.


amnbdad said...

You sound perfectly normal to me. Everyone has there psychosis and are haunted by there own ghosts, no one, except maybe Dr. Phil and Oprah, have there life together the way they appear to. Myself for instance had to take off from work early one day a few weeks ago because I had an almost uncontrollable desire to destroy something. So instead of ramming my forklift into a wall, I went and got a cup of coffee and a pastry. That simple change of pace was enough to reset my internal time bomb. There's nothing wrong with you, it's good to feel. So cry, laugh, shout, whatever it takes. As Paulo Coelho says (paraphrasing here)everyone needs a little more crazy in there life.

Stacked Librarian said...

While I appreciate that you are trying to reassure me of my normalcy, it does not change the fact that I dislike having all of these feelings, especially as I have no constructive outlet for them. Gas is a natural and normal by-product of the digestive process, but I don't wish to have that either. :)

But I am very glad that coffee and pastry kept you from ramming your forklift. Perhaps there should be a glass case with an emergency thermos and baked good at your place of employment. :)

amnbdad said...

You know all day today I was thinking about my post and I felt as though I might have been a bit patronizing, I was just trying to show empathy. I also wanted to say once again how much I enjoy the way you write, perhaps writing is the outlet you need. There I go offering advice again, sorry.

Stacked Librarian said...

I didn't take it as patronizing, I took it as you trying to reassure me, which I do appreciate by the way. And thank you so much for the compliment on my writing. I feel it is quite hit or miss, so I greatly appreciate any positive reinforcement. Maybe it is the outlet that I need, but sometimes I feel as thought I don't have any worthwhile or interesting thoughts in my head. :)

Mockingbird said...

Hmm - sounds as if you're having a"River" moment where you feel everything, all the time, without any ability to filter things. Have you had your amigdyla (whatever) checked lately for signs of Alliance-induced stripping?

Stacked Librarian said...

I have not had that checked, although I don't think it has been stripped. Perhaps only compromised. Hmm. Maybe I was born with a defective one. Ponder, ponder, ponder.

Mockingbird said...

There's an easy way to find out. OK, kids - sing along! You know the words!

"Fruity oaty bar . . ."

Athena Smith said...

I know I'm a bit behind. The stress beast has bitten.

You keep saying that clearly people don't care, at least not as much as you do. I think though, that most people fail to see or care about how much other people truly care. It seems as though at least in modern society, we've been trained to hide our emotions and not care, or at least not show that we do. There are many times that I feel like I care far more than other people, but then I realize that it's probably because people not only want to hide their feelings and emotions, but people have very little time to slow down and be emotional these days.

With that being said, you're not abnormal, in fact you're very much like very many people, with the exception of the fact that you slow down enough to try and express your emotion, whereas everyone else tries to hide theirs. I know that this is the case with me. Regardless, you are not alone.