From Hell

So tomorrow it starts. "Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war!" Yes, my friends, tomorrow is the first day of fall semester at my place of employment. If I could carry a taser, a bullhorn, and a flask of a sweet alcoholic beverage around with me all day perhaps I could enjoy myself. Alas, and alack, but for some reason they will not allow these accessories. I have also not been able to find that perfect outfit that screams both "don't give me any shit" as well as "I will be happy to help you" while simultaneously looking professional. If anyone has any suggestions for that combo please let me know. I must steel myself for my trip into one of the circles of hell. I think this calls for ice cream and cards with friends.

From the shelves 4

Ah August! The dog days of summer, when it is beastly hot and all you want to do is lay somewhere cool with an icy beverage. The perfect time to take a walk in the woods. No, not a literal one! I mean Bill Bryson's A Walk in the Woods.

To be fair, recommending A Walk in the Woods is a bit of a cheat as it was chosen as one of our book club books the first year I participated. (Yes, it was my suggestion). However, it is still worthy of it's moment in the blog spotlight. This was my introduction to Bryson's work, as it is for many people because it is the most well known of his books. The premise of the book is Bryson's ambition to walk the length of the Appalachian trail, albeit not in one fell swoop. Did I mention that Bryson is not a hiker, nor, by his own admission, particularly physically fit?

Along with some hilarious incidents, most involving an old friend of his named Katz, this book is filled with information about the origins of the trail, the status of the trail and the environment at the time, and lots of other fun facts and trivia and pithy observations about life, the wilderness and humans in general. At times the book will depress you, like when it discusses the deforestation that is occurring in the Blue Ridge Mountains, thanks in part to the pollution from the cars used by the countless campers who come there each year. Many of Bryson's books contain strong environmental themes so if you happen to drive a gas guzzling behemoth and think global warming doesn't exist then you probably won't enjoy this book. But quite frankly most people who are in that state of denial don't read anyway so it is moot point.

Bryson has caught a lot of flack for this book from die hard trail enthusiasts because they felt that he made light of the difficult nature of hiking the trail, and behaved irresponsibly by going out and hiking whilst being woefully unprepared. Clearly the die hard trail enthusiasts think that people who read books like this are stupid and can't learn from Bryson's mistakes. Anyone who reads the description of how he and Katz felt, looked, and smelt after their first foray on the trail will NOT think "hey! I want to do exactly that!" Or if they do and they end up dying because of their foolishness then they will be a prime candidate for the Darwin Awards. Really what bothers the die hard fans is that the book raised the popularity of the trail with day hikers, and they resent the intrusion. Not that you can really blame them for that sentiment, we've all experienced that feeling when the newbies invade.

But back to the book itself. A Walk in the Woods shines a spotlight on often overlooked, and underfunded national park. I grew up in Virginia and now live in North Carolina and despite my knowledge of the trail's existence, I knew next to nothing about it's history or how it was run. My cousin's ex-boyfriend attempted to hike the trail from beginning to end and the trail kicked his ass,(he readily admits this by the way) and he was a major outdoors kind of guy. It is not for light weights or the squeamish as the book makes perfectly clear. But the book is not all "Danger Will Robinson!", or gloomy environmental information. Large portions of it a extremely funny. Bryson has a very deft turn of phrase and the ability to draw the reader in and make them experience everything along with him. An excellent skill in a travel writer don't you think? So take A Walk in the Woods with Bill Bryson, I promise you that you won't regret it. And best of all, you won't need any bug spray.

Happy thought for the day

Few things are as comforting as laying on your bed petting a warm, snuggly clean dog. Is it any wonder that I have trouble getting up in the morning?

Invasion of the creepy crawlies

Last night, after viewing the eagerly awaited DVD of Hot Fuzz (you may recall that it was one of the things that lead to my post about entertainment thwarting) I took my beloved pooch out for one last potty run before going to bed. As I stood on the carport I happened to notice a rather large cobweb to my left. I shifted my gaze to see how far it came out over the walkway (it was at the top of the mini-staircase leading to the backyard) and that's when I saw it. A HUGE spider right smack in the middle of the web. Naturally my motion detector light in my car port is not working, so I can only base this description on the light from the yard, but counting it's legs it was about the size of a quarter and appeared to be yellow and brown. NOT GOOD!

Shuddering slightly to myself I took Duke back inside and fetched my roommate, a broom, and the bug spray and then we advanced on our enemy. Spare me the claptrap about how spiders help control the bug population, so do bats but I don't see anyone signing up to have a bat house in their backyard. (Actually, if I didn't live "in town" I would probably put up a bat house). Spiders are incredibly creepy, and this one looked dangerous. And incidentally when I took Duke out in the yard that afternoon there was no spider web. Huge spider, huge web, short amount of time.

But back to the hunt. I sprayed, the spider tumbled down its web and Fi swatted! Most of the web and the spider tumbled down into the flower bed. But we didn't see its corpse. The steps were well illuminated so we waited. I knocked down the rest of the web, and then Fi spotted it! It was trying to make its getaway across one of the stepping stones. Foolish creature! Had it stuck to the grass we would never have seen it. Fi sprang into action and whacked the life out of the vile wretch with the broom. I swept the debris into the grass and we returned to the comfort of our home.

twiddling my thumbs

I don't really have anything interesting to say but I wanted to post something because I had been away for a while and well, as the title implies, I'm a bit bored. Actually, more than a bit. Funny how as a child I eagerly awaited the summer months, but now as an adult I find them horribly dull. It may have something to do with the fact that for an entire month I can't do my main job functions, because I have no budget to order with and there is an embargo on catalog maintenance, and because my hours have increased each day because we close two hours earlier on Fridays. Nine hours of work each day when you barely have enough stuff to do to fill up half of that is a tedious thing.

But it isn't just work doldrums. I seem to be suffering from a general state of malaise, a dissatisfaction with myself and others that permeates everything. I'm bored, but there is very little I feel like doing. I'm sad, but not in a debilitating sense (thank the gods), easily annoyed but not angry really. Just blah. And as we have previously established "blah" is not my normal state. What is that word people use? Ah, yes, intense. But all intensity seems to have ebbed out of me over my week long journey to the beach, where funnily enough I only got to spend about two hours at the actual beach. Sigh. So I wait, moving through my life without any verve, doing what I am supposed to do and wondering "is this really all there is?"

I have one thing to say

Bear with me. Last night my good friend Mockingbird and I attended our local film festival (Real to Reel) and saw a wonderful documentary called Darius Goes West. A group of eleven young men decided to take their friend, Darius, who suffers from Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy, on a cross country road trip to California with the expressed goal of convincing MTV to put him on Pimp My Ride and having his wheelchair customized. It wasn't so much that they wanted the wheelchair tricked out, it was that they wanted to raise awareness of the disease in the demographic that watches that show.

I admit that I knew very little about Muscular Dystrophy until last night. I did not know that it is the most common fatal genetic disorder to affect children worldwide. There are nine different forms of Muscular Dystrophy, all of which produce degeneration of the muscles of the body. Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy is the most severe with a 100% fatality rate. The longest anyone has lived with DMD is their early 30s. Most people with DMD succumb in their late teens or early 20s. Check out the Muscular Dystrophy Association's website for more information. (Or to check my facts).

The young men involved in this documentary are incredible. It was completely and utterly clear that they valued Darius as a person and as a friend and were doing this to not only create lasting memories for him and themselves, but also because they wanted his life to mean something. And Darius himself was amazing. Here was someone who has been given a slow and painful death sentence and yet he was living life to the fullest, without self-pity, and without shame. How many able bodied people can say this? Not only did they simultaneously raise awareness of DMD everywhere they went, but they also demonstrated how, despite the ADA, handicapped people are shut out of doing daily activities most people take for granted. And you would be really surprised to learn what is and what is not handicapped accessible. Carlsbad Caverns are, but the St. Louis Arch is not.

So what is the one thing I had to say? It is simply this: Fuck MTV. They refused to do a show where Darius's wheelchair got "pimped" out because "they were worried that the accessories would impair his mobility." Bullshit. You want to know why I say this is bullshit? Because a car customizer in Decatur, GA pimped a wheelchair out for Darius instead. So for anyone in the area who is interested head to Full EFX in Decatur, GA because that dude rocks! This isn't a slam against the individuals who actually do the work on Pimp My Ride, on the contrary, when our group of merry men met them they were extremely friendly and totally unaware that the request had even been made. No, it was the suits in the executive offices who decided that they couldn't be bothered to do this amazing thing for this teenager as well as generate positive press for themselves and awareness for a terrible disease. Why would they want to do anything positive when they make so much money off of shows that feature the worst of the worst of teenage American culture?

So if this story pisses you off the way it does me, say it with me! Fuck MTV! Don't ever watch any of their crap programing ever again. Share this story with others so that they too will know, without a doubt, that the people who run MTV are as shallow and superficial as the brats on their shows. And then you should visit Darius Goes West to find out more, or visit Charley's Fund to donate to a non-profit charity that is devoted to funding research for a cure for DMD.

Aggressive? I'll give you aggressive!

There is a certain company who shall remain nameless that seems to think they have a right to call me at work an harass me. They remain nameless only because I did not remember their company name for the following reasons: 1)I did not initiate the interaction with them, 2)I have never purchased anything from them, and 3)when they call not only does their company not display on my phone screen, but they refuse to say which company they are calling from. Apparently, a previous employee here indicated somehow that we would like to be listed in a business directory, which is funny because 1)we are an educational institution, and 2)as the library we do not have the authority to make that decision for the school itself. So every once in a while different representatives from this company call and try to get me to pay an invoice, which they have never sent in the mail, and the one time I got something faxed to me there was no record of it in our business office. I ask you, how is it possible that we owe them money for a product we have never heard of, never received, and have no record of ordering? In a word, it isn't.

Today though, the infernal person who called to speak to me, on someone else's extension, told me that I was being aggressive and that she wouldn't continue to speak to me and would rather fax something and then hung up. And all because I said, in an admittedly terse tone, that I had tried to cancel this business approximately five times, that we never received anything and had no record of them in our business office. And every time I made a statement she interrupted me. Now, I have nothing against this person, she may be a very nice person, but the fact of the matter is that she works for a company that is trying to dupe people out of their funds through unscrupulous methods. And I do not hold with that.

I confess that I did not keep my tone in a professional calm, but I did not swear at her, or hang up. I want this resolved and I thought I had it resolved. But apparently not! If anyone knows how to channel their anger into that icy, lethal, quiet tone please come teach me! But for now it is beyond me. And the next time someone from that company calls they will see what aggressive is and it will not be pretty. Because what I wanted to say was "give me the name of your company, your supervisor, a phone number that WORKS and stop calling me, because we did not order this and we do not owe you money! I'm contacting the Better Business Bureau as soon as we hang up and if there is any justice in this world you and all of the other shits who work there will be out of job. Do I make myself clear you stupid, fucking cow?"

That's aggressive. And if I knew the name of the company I would do it, without giving them the heads up. Now I'm hoping that they do send a fax in so I can skewer them with delight. There was once a time when I would eviscerate someone without a second thought for much less aggravation than this. That level of wickedness is still in me. Do not awaken it.